Confession: I Am all Natural by Force!

I have a confession. I was born without the faux (false) gene! In laymen’s terms: I don’t do well with ‘stuff’ that I wasn't born with.

This discovery was made when an Air Force dorm mate suggested that my eyes would look nice if I wore false eyelashes. Having a set handy (seriously?), she demonstrated how to apply them.

Following her lead, I combed them out. Then, after applying a thin line of glue to the outer edge, I pressed them onto my eyelids. After letting them set for a few minutes, I used an eyeliner pencil to line over them. Supposedly this was to make them look more natural. A coat of mascara and . . . voila!

You’re envisioning how good I looked, huh? Wrong! As it turned out, I was allergic to that brand of mascara, which caused my eyes to water. For about five minutes, I couldn’t see anything. Telling me that my eyes looked good, my roommate suggested that I wear my lashes to a party that night. (Why was I even still listening to her? Wasn’t she the same chick that just caused the floodgates of heaven to open and flow from my eyes?)

At the party, the late singer James Brown encouraged partiers to Get On The Good Foot and Make it Funky. I was doing both with gusto when the unthinkable happened: one of my false eyelashes came off and landed on my lower lid. As James Brown screamed on his song, I also screamed, thinking a spider had landed on my eyelid. Oh God, Oh God, Help!

Leaving my cute partner on the dance floor—sorry Charlie, Dayquan or whomever—I ran to the restroom. Once, there, I removed the offending lash—where it remained stuck on my bottom lid—plus the one remaining and threw them both in the toilet, flushing twice!

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Oh, but my faux drama doesn’t end there! Wigs? They make my head sweat. False fingernails? Alas, those didn’t go well either. I remember when one came off and landed in my dinner date’s lap. Seemingly unfazed, he picked it up and handed it back to me and continued eating. Can you believe that I never heard from him again?

Acrylic nails looked great. However, once removed, my own nails were so soft that even water made them hurt.

So, I should have seen the danger when, after having a pedicure, I decided that a toe ring would look cute on one of my toes. Purchasing a two-piece set from the Dollar Store, I put one on the second toe of my right foot. It immediately sprung off.

Trying again, the same thing happened! Only this time, one of my kitties chased it—the one that weighed 18 pounds—and promptly sat on it. Score! Apparently the first toe ring was too wide for my toe. The second one in the set fit perfectly.

Well, false eyelashes are back in style. Don’t worry, I learned my lesson the first time around. Better late than never, right?

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